Sunday, March 10, 2013

The More Things Change.......

the more they DEFINITELY stay the same.

In our lives, the more things stay the same, the worse they get, which is our sameness. Yeah, I guess that sentence does not really make sense to anyone but me.

2012 came & went so quickly that I just now realized it is now March.

I have wanted to post but my emotional state has me in a constant state of BLECH that overwhelms me even during the simplest of tasks.

Whether due to being pathetic, or just plain weariness, I will probably never know. But 2013 is not any better than it's predecessor.

By now, the resolutions of most people have been met with some measure of success, or they have fallen by the wayside. My resolutions were to enjoy my limited time with my husband (successful so far), find a "homeschool groove" (failed) and save our home from foreclosure (failed). 

That's a 33% success rate.

Every time I look in the mirror, I see a huge blinking neon "L" on my forehead.

Losing our medical insurance was the not-so-delicious icing on a very nasty cake :P I won't even explain to you how devastating THAT is when 75% of your family desperately requires expensive medications, insanely overpriced DME, and impossible to pay treatments that sustain the lives of those you love most :(

Every day is wrought with heartache & agonizing defeat. Just when it seems we cannot go any lower, I find there are more steps beneath me.

I question why life continuously throws one curve ball after another and I am truly bewildered by our increasingly desperate circumstances. Each step forward brings MORE turmoil, disaster after disaster, and a never-ending supply of heartache.

I try to keep busy but those negative thoughts creep in unannounced and next thing I know, I am awash in a sea of despair.

I am constantly asking, seeking, knocking. Scriptures flow from my lips subconsciously. I can see God in the day to day things, and when I am in the Word, I feel His sweet, tender presence.

And in the midst of defeat, no matter HOW much we think need an immediate answer, that has to be enough....

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Four Days

Christmas is only three days away and there is one present under the tree. For some reason, that does not bother me as much as I think it should.

Probably because my mind is occupied with thoughts of being homeless by New Years.

The deadline to submit the first fee payment is only four days days away, which happens to be our anniversary. I am certain this will be the wedding anniversary we will never forget.

I have been praying so hard for the Lord to provide the $307 we need to make that payment (yes it went down $20 thanks to the kindness of a stranger)!

If Mike was able to work, he could earn that in 5 hours. FIVE HOURS worth of labor separates us from home-owner and homelessness!

If I could sell a body part, I would Smiley

DD has been having breakthrough seizures again. Nothing scares and disturbs me like watching her seize off & on for hours. Klonopin wafers make for one cranky sleepy girl, sometimes for a couple days.

I despise Epilepsy Smiley

I often envision my family teetering on a precipice. The wind is calm but even a hint of a breeze will push us over the edge at any moment. Then we fall over the cliff until we are a bloody heap on the canyon floor. Our lives shattered by what appears to be an inconsequential shift.

There is a very thin line between being homeless or having a roof over our heads. Not knowing the outcome is driving me insane.

I waver between being filled with hope and dread, and that causes me to feel ashamed. After all these ears, the Lord has always helped my in my hour of need. Never early, never late; always right on time.

One moment, I am confident the Lord will come through right on time like He always does.

In the blink of an eye, I am speaking words of doom & gloom while my mind races with thoughts of utter despair. I wonder, "How we will fit 4 people, 2 cats, 1 bird and thousands of dollars worth of medical supplies and equipment in our van?"
Lord have mercy on my family

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid; for the Lord your God, He is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Desensitized to Disappointment

My entire life has revolved around disappointment. For as far back as I can remember, my hopes have been dashed & my dreams have been shattered beyond recognition. Little by little I learned to keep aiming lower until I stopped hoping, quit dreaming, & disposed of all my expectations. Disappointment became a close friend; a shroud of protection. If I quit dreaming, I never have to worry about nightmares.

A life like that leaves one bitter & hollow. Numb. Emotions deadened to pain or happiness. Reactions to victory or defeat are lukewarm at best. 

Incessant disappointment is like Novocaine for the soul.

So when people break promises, it has little effect on me. Que Sera Sera.

When something wonderful occurs (or may occur), you are afraid to enjoy it. Your mind tells you it will never happen again. After all, the last time you thought a blessing was coming your way, it was violently ripped from your grasp. Better to hope for the worst so that you won't notice the painful unfilled dreams.

But break promises to my children and suddenly, the mama bear in me surfaces. The emotions I have spent almost 4 decades burying, explode like a pyroclastic flow. Acquiescence quickly turns to unholy anger. Of course, my outward appearance remains the same but on the inside, I am seething.

A close family friend made a promise to my children. A HUGE promise that would bless them with some much needed winter clothing & shoes; our dd is still wearing flip flops & tank tops from summer and our ds feet grew 2 sizes this year and he's still wearing the same shoes. This is the first year we have not been able to buy them necessities. To have someone offer was both humbling & a blessing (and an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders to boot).

Said friend decided to change their mind for a reason I cannot publicly disclose. However, I will say that regardless of the reason, it broke my little girl's heart to tell her ONCE AGAIN what she was anxiously expecting to happen would not come to pass.

What saddens me the most is not that our friend changed their mind; we are all entitled to change plans & alter directions. It's that my daughter is beginning to develop the same outlook on things that I did. I see the soul numbing pain slowly creeping in & taking over that sweet innocence & child-like faith. I watch her hopes & dreams slowly fading. Expectations gradually diminishing. The light that burned SO bright within is dying down to a tiny insignificant flame.

Another precious child's soul filled with "Bitter"caine.

Oh Lord, please don't let her internal fire die. 

Then Jesus said to them, “A little while longer the light is with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going.  John 12:35

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


I feel I should clarify my earlier post below.

Don't get me wrong. I am not an ungrateful person. I definitely appreciate all the Lord & others have done for us. I am thankful for every day of life my family & I have.

I guess the problem is that I see so many people sharing all their "What I am Thankful for" lists-- all the immense blessings, praise reports, good news, and financial attainments-- and that nasty ol green-eyed monster rears his ugly head. It's not that I want what others have, I simply desire to have ONE day that feels normal. No sickness, no pain, no tragedy, no shut off notices, no empty cupboards, no unfilled prescriptions, no trustee sales, no seizures, no heartaches, no misery, no uncertainty, and no turmoil.

Sometimes, it is too easy to focus on the problems and not on the ONE who can turn them into blessings.

So while I am MORE than thankful for every day that the Lord has given me and my wonderful family, it is hard for me to find beauty in the ashes.

When the Lord gently nudges me with His faithfulness, it brings me one step closer to complete trust & surrender. Maybe what I need is a good knock upside my head to bring me to my senses ;)


In the midst of overwhelming adversity, affliction, anguish, & pain, I find it almost impossible to be thankful.

There are times I feel as if my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. I have cried out to God so fiercely the last few weeks that I am beginning to genuinely understand how Jesus could sweat drops of blood.

Funny, or maybe not, how the Lord can show Himself to us in the most unusual ways.

For example: a few people (who are complete strangers) have offered their heartfelt prayers & moral support to us, even going so far as to send monetary gifts. Seriously, how strange is that? If you know my Lord, not very. It is quite humbling.

And for that very reason, I have seen an almost imperceptible shift in my attitude this morning. Even in the midst of a tempestuous storm a beautiful rainbow can make an appearance. I DO have reasons to be thankful.

My Husband
Although his body is severely afflicted, he is alive. Each day with him is one more to be treasured. Honestly, none of us know how many we have remaining. But his days are definitely numbered. It may sound cliche but he is the love & light of my life. I never imagined I could love someone so passionately AND be loved with the same intensity in return. When he hurts, I hurt. When he cries, I weep. When he laughs, my heart leaps with joy. At the end of the day, nothing brings me a more euphoric contentedness than being in his arms.

My Children
Though both have their own ailments to deal with, they bring me unlimited joy and I am very thankful that the Lord blessed me to be their Mother. I don't speak of this much but I already have a little one in heaven. My first son. When I look at my children, I wonder what he would have been like. Would he be patient & loving like his Daddy or stubborn & emotional like me :-P Even after more than 20 years, the pain of loss persists. I take comfort knowing someday we will meet again and all my questions will be answered.

The compassion of strangers
To those who have offered prayers or gifts, words cannot adequately express my heartfelt thanks & gratitude to you. Knowing that our utilities will not be turned off in the next few days is a nice bonus :)

My Faith
Most importantly, Jesus' blood, shed on the cross, to give a lowly worm of a sinner like me access to the very Grace I too often turn my back on. That in and of itself is more than enough to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving. May we all take time to reflect upon what the Lord has done & offer thanks for what is yet to come.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Fear, My Ever-Present Companion

Considering I have walked with the Lord for more than half of my life, you would think by NOW that my faith would be a firm foundation, able to withstand the most violent tempest.

Not so.

Every time something happens, no matter how significant or inconsequential, I worry. If one of the kids gets a sniffle: I worry. When I was faced with cancer: I worried. Not sure what to make for dinner? Hey, I know! I'll worry about it. I'm sure that will solve my problems asap. The cat sneezes? Maybe she has feline leukemia!


Just thinking about my daughter's Epilepsy causes me to lose sleep. I often have nightmares where I am standing over her tiny coffin, begging God to breathe life into her body.

My husband is facing some serious & possibly fatal health problems. My first and only reaction? Worry. My thoughts are consumed with visions of being a widow with 2 children to raise & provide for. Fear grips me at every turn for reasons not even on the radar, let alone within my view

As his health continues to decline, I suppose it is natural to fear the worst. After all, how many people have died and lived to tell about it? Many years ago, he died during surgery. While he was dead, he had a spiritual experience that changed his life. It took almost 30 minutes to revive him but his life was forever changed emotionally, physically, and spiritually (I will share more about this in another post).

He is such a wonderful husband, father, friend, confidant, lover; truly my Knight in Shining Armor and losing him would be a waking nightmare.

If you knew me in real life, you would never suspect that my waking hours were consumed by fear & worry. It is hidden so deep within that even my husband, who sometimes knows me better than I know myself, has no idea of the monstrous battle waged daily in my soul.

The words "faith" and "hope" rarely escape my lips these days...

We are facing foreclosure. We have been in the midst of this war for over a year. Trying to persuade our lender to follow the HAMP guidelines is like trying to coax a ravenous lion to eat Bermuda grass instead of the juicy antelope being devoured by his comrades. No matter how many hoops we jump through, it is never enough. Paperwork lost, stolen, abducted by aliens, who knows! You make too much; no, not enough. It's been too long; not enough time has passed.

The thought of being homeless for Christmas with 2 chronically ill family members is more than I can bear. Never mind the fact that we have already lived here longer than we technically should have. Common sense would tell you that we should have been outta here a long time ago. But as the sale date looms closer, I find my thoughts consumed with apprehension.

The Lord has moved mountains & parted the seas of life thousands of times for us but I still worry.

Worry creeps into my every thought. I breathe & exhale fear. My stomach has more knots than a Scout troop trying to earn a Fly Fishing Merit Badge.

Prayers on my lips die before they are given half a chance to breathe life into my withered soul. Why do I react this way? I ask myself that 1,000 times a day. Sure, it is human nature to worry, but to this extreme? I think not! If this is what Jesus died for, then His death was in vain. Where is this "peace" that He speaks of? If God's Grace is free, why do I spend so much time & effort attempting to earn it?

Maybe because after all the mistakes, sins, bad moves, and idiotic choices, I feel unworthy to pray. The chasm that separates me from God seems to grow with every wrong turn. Laying my burdens & petitions at the feet of a Holy God when I am as far from Holy as the East is from the West seems somewhat insincere or Pharisaical.

But God....

The phrase "but God" is found 60 times in the NIV version of the Bible.

A few examples from Bible Gateway:

Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Psalm 9:18
But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.

Psalm 66:19
but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Mark 2:7
“Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”

Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

My father was well-known for saying, "No ifs, ands, or buts" to everything from brushing my teeth to explaining his reason for choosing a brand of cereal. I HATED hearing it because it meant the discussion was closed. To continue meant certain severe punishment.

It seems to me that God is in the "if, and, but" business. Just a cursory glance shows 18 "if God" phrases and 64 "and God" phrases in the NIV.

So tell me, if, and, or but God is SO merciful, why is it so difficult for me to completely cast my cares upon Him?

He proves to me time & again that He never fails and yet.......I live in fear.

That is wrong on so many levels.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The journey of a thousand miles....

I don't know how many times I heard that phrase growing up.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. That is not the literal translation of this quote by Lao-tzu, but it is definitely a popular one!

Unfortunately, sometimes that "single step" is excruciatingly problematic.  

After much inner-deliberation and prayer, I have decided to start a blog. Partly to chronicle our lives before my feeble brain forgets entirely, partly to allow others to share in our tragic adventures. Honestly, I'm not even sure where to begin.

The Lord has seen us through so many tragedies & painfully difficult circumstances and yet, here we are, still taking steps (however small those may be) toward the goal.

I intend to be brutally honest, sharing things that may shock or alarm you. Those of you with sensitive dispositions may wish to turn back now, before it's too late ;)

Please bear with me as I learn how to blog (I am seriously techno-challenged lol). My thoughts are a jumbled mess and sometimes it takes a while for me to sort them out.

Psalm 40

New Living Translation (NLT)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what He has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
    who have no confidence in the proud
    or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us.
    Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
    You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds,
    I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
    Now that You have made me listen, I finally understand;
    You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
    As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing Your will, my God,
    for Your instructions are written on my heart.”
I have told all Your people about Your justice.
    I have not been afraid to speak out,
    as You, O Lord, well know.
10 I have not kept the good news of Your justice hidden in my heart;
    I have talked about Your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
    of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.
11 Lord, don’t hold back Your tender mercies from me.
    Let Your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles surround me—
    too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
    I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
    I have lost all courage.
13 Please, Lord, rescue me!
    Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
14 May those who try to destroy me
    be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
    be turned back in disgrace.
15 Let them be horrified by their shame,
    for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
16 But may all who search for You
    be filled with joy and gladness in You.
May those who love Your salvation
    repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
17 As for me, since I am poor and needy,
    let the Lord keep me in His thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
    O my God, do not delay.