Not so.
Every time something happens, no matter how significant or inconsequential, I worry. If one of the kids gets a sniffle: I worry. When I was faced with cancer: I worried. Not sure what to make for dinner? Hey, I know! I'll worry about it. I'm sure that will solve my problems asap. The cat sneezes? Maybe she has feline leukemia!
*sigh*
Just thinking about my daughter's Epilepsy causes me to lose sleep. I often have nightmares where I am standing over her tiny coffin, begging God to breathe life into her body.
My husband is facing some serious & possibly fatal health problems. My first and only reaction? Worry. My thoughts are consumed with visions of being a widow with 2 children to raise & provide for. Fear grips me at every turn for reasons not even on the radar, let alone within my view
As his health continues to decline, I suppose it is natural to fear the worst. After all, how many people have died and lived to tell about it? Many years ago, he died during surgery. While he was dead, he had a spiritual experience that changed his life. It took almost 30 minutes to revive him but his life was forever changed emotionally, physically, and spiritually (I will share more about this in another post).
He is such a wonderful husband, father, friend, confidant, lover; truly my Knight in Shining Armor and losing him would be a waking nightmare.
If you knew me in real life, you would never suspect that my waking hours were consumed by fear & worry. It is hidden so deep within that even my husband, who sometimes knows me better than I know myself, has no idea of the monstrous battle waged daily in my soul.
The words "faith" and "hope" rarely escape my lips these days...
We are facing foreclosure. We have been in the midst of this war for over a year. Trying to persuade our lender to follow the HAMP guidelines is like trying to coax a ravenous lion to eat Bermuda grass instead of the juicy antelope being devoured by his comrades. No matter how many hoops we jump through, it is never enough. Paperwork lost, stolen, abducted by aliens, who knows! You make too much; no, not enough. It's been too long; not enough time has passed.
The thought of being homeless for Christmas with 2 chronically ill family members is more than I can bear. Never mind the fact that we have already lived here longer than we technically should have. Common sense would tell you that we should have been outta here a long time ago. But as the sale date looms closer, I find my thoughts consumed with apprehension.
The Lord has moved mountains & parted the seas of life thousands of times for us but I still worry.
Worry creeps into my every thought. I breathe & exhale fear. My stomach has more knots than a Scout troop trying to earn a Fly Fishing Merit Badge.
Prayers on my lips die before they are given half a chance to breathe life into my withered soul. Why do I react this way? I ask myself that 1,000 times a day. Sure, it is human nature to worry, but to this extreme? I think not! If this is what Jesus died for, then His death was in vain. Where is this "peace" that He speaks of? If God's Grace is free, why do I spend so much time & effort attempting to earn it?
Maybe because after all the mistakes, sins, bad moves, and idiotic choices, I feel unworthy to pray. The chasm that separates me from God seems to grow with every wrong turn. Laying my burdens & petitions at the feet of a Holy God when I am as far from Holy as the East is from the West seems somewhat insincere or Pharisaical.
But God....
The phrase "but God" is found 60 times in the NIV version of the Bible.
A few examples from Bible Gateway:
Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
Psalm 9:18
But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.
Psalm 66:19
but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer.
Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Mark 2:7
“Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
My father was well-known for saying, "No ifs, ands, or buts" to everything from brushing my teeth to explaining his reason for choosing a brand of cereal. I HATED hearing it because it meant the discussion was closed. To continue meant certain severe punishment.
It seems to me that God is in the "if, and, but" business. Just a cursory glance shows 18 "if God" phrases and 64 "and God" phrases in the NIV.
So tell me, if, and, or but God is SO merciful, why is it so difficult for me to completely cast my cares upon Him?
He proves to me time & again that He never fails and yet.......I live in fear.
That is wrong on so many levels.
No comments:
Post a Comment