Desensitized to Disappointment

My entire life has revolved around disappointment. For as far back as I can remember, my hopes have been dashed & my dreams have been shattered beyond recognition. Little by little I learned to keep aiming lower until I stopped hoping, quit dreaming, & disposed of all my expectations. Disappointment became a close friend; a shroud of protection. If I quit dreaming, I never have to worry about nightmares.

A life like that leaves one bitter & hollow. Numb. Emotions deadened to pain or happiness. Reactions to victory or defeat are lukewarm at best. 

Incessant disappointment is like Novocaine for the soul.

So when people break promises, it has little effect on me. Que Sera Sera.

When something wonderful occurs (or may occur), you are afraid to enjoy it. Your mind tells you it will never happen again. After all, the last time you thought a blessing was coming your way, it was violently ripped from your grasp. Better to hope for the worst so that you won't notice the painful unfilled dreams.

But break promises to my children and suddenly, the mama bear in me surfaces. The emotions I have spent almost 4 decades burying, explode like a pyroclastic flow. Acquiescence quickly turns to unholy anger. Of course, my outward appearance remains the same but on the inside, I am seething.

A close family friend made a promise to my children. A HUGE promise that would bless them with some much needed winter clothing & shoes; our dd is still wearing flip flops & tank tops from summer and our ds feet grew 2 sizes this year and he's still wearing the same shoes. This is the first year we have not been able to buy them necessities. To have someone offer was both humbling & a blessing (and an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders to boot).

Said friend decided to change their mind for a reason I cannot publicly disclose. However, I will say that regardless of the reason, it broke my little girl's heart to tell her ONCE AGAIN what she was anxiously expecting to happen would not come to pass.

What saddens me the most is not that our friend changed their mind; we are all entitled to change plans & alter directions. It's that my daughter is beginning to develop the same outlook on things that I did. I see the soul numbing pain slowly creeping in & taking over that sweet innocence & child-like faith. I watch her hopes & dreams slowly fading. Expectations gradually diminishing. The light that burned SO bright within is dying down to a tiny insignificant flame.

Another precious child's soul filled with "Bitter"caine.

Oh Lord, please don't let her internal fire die. 

Then Jesus said to them, “A little while longer the light is with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going.  John 12:35