Four Days

Christmas is only three days away and there is one present under the tree. For some reason, that does not bother me as much as I think it should.

Probably because my mind is occupied with thoughts of being homeless by New Years.

The deadline to submit the first fee payment is only four days days away, which happens to be our anniversary. I am certain this will be the wedding anniversary we will never forget.

I have been praying so hard for the Lord to provide the $307 we need to make that payment (yes it went down $20 thanks to the kindness of a stranger)!


If Mike was able to work, he could earn that in 5 hours. FIVE HOURS worth of labor separates us from home-owner and homelessness!

If I could sell a body part, I would

DD has been having breakthrough seizures again. Nothing scares and disturbs me like watching her seize off & on for hours. Klonopin wafers make for one cranky sleepy girl, sometimes for a couple days.


I despise Epilepsy

I often envision my family teetering on a precipice. The wind is calm but even a hint of a breeze will push us over the edge at any moment. Then we fall over the cliff until we are a bloody heap on the canyon floor. Our lives shattered by what appears to be an inconsequential shift.

There is a very thin line between being homeless or having a roof over our heads. Not knowing the outcome is driving me insane.

I waver between being filled with hope and dread, and that causes me to feel ashamed. After all these ears, the Lord has always helped my in my hour of need. Never early, never late; always right on time.


One moment, I am confident the Lord will come through right on time like He always does.


In the blink of an eye, I am speaking words of doom & gloom while my mind races with thoughts of utter despair. I wonder, "How we will fit 4 people, 2 cats, 1 bird and thousands of dollars worth of medical supplies and equipment in our van?"
Lord have mercy on my family





Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid; for the Lord your God, He is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Desensitized to Disappointment

My entire life has revolved around disappointment. For as far back as I can remember, my hopes have been dashed & my dreams have been shattered beyond recognition. Little by little I learned to keep aiming lower until I stopped hoping, quit dreaming, & disposed of all my expectations. Disappointment became a close friend; a shroud of protection. If I quit dreaming, I never have to worry about nightmares.

A life like that leaves one bitter & hollow. Numb. Emotions deadened to pain or happiness. Reactions to victory or defeat are lukewarm at best. 

Incessant disappointment is like Novocaine for the soul.

So when people break promises, it has little effect on me. Que Sera Sera.

When something wonderful occurs (or may occur), you are afraid to enjoy it. Your mind tells you it will never happen again. After all, the last time you thought a blessing was coming your way, it was violently ripped from your grasp. Better to hope for the worst so that you won't notice the painful unfilled dreams.

But break promises to my children and suddenly, the mama bear in me surfaces. The emotions I have spent almost 4 decades burying, explode like a pyroclastic flow. Acquiescence quickly turns to unholy anger. Of course, my outward appearance remains the same but on the inside, I am seething.

A close family friend made a promise to my children. A HUGE promise that would bless them with some much needed winter clothing & shoes; our dd is still wearing flip flops & tank tops from summer and our ds feet grew 2 sizes this year and he's still wearing the same shoes. This is the first year we have not been able to buy them necessities. To have someone offer was both humbling & a blessing (and an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders to boot).

Said friend decided to change their mind for a reason I cannot publicly disclose. However, I will say that regardless of the reason, it broke my little girl's heart to tell her ONCE AGAIN what she was anxiously expecting to happen would not come to pass.

What saddens me the most is not that our friend changed their mind; we are all entitled to change plans & alter directions. It's that my daughter is beginning to develop the same outlook on things that I did. I see the soul numbing pain slowly creeping in & taking over that sweet innocence & child-like faith. I watch her hopes & dreams slowly fading. Expectations gradually diminishing. The light that burned SO bright within is dying down to a tiny insignificant flame.

Another precious child's soul filled with "Bitter"caine.

Oh Lord, please don't let her internal fire die. 

Then Jesus said to them, “A little while longer the light is with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going.  John 12:35